Southern cops have a way with words!

[Raziel]

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
 
 1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
 2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
 3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."  (I've used this one recently)
 4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
 5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." 
 6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
 7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
 8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
 9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
 10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
 11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
 12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
 13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"  (And I've used this one too)
 14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
 15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

 AND THE WINNER IS....
 16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."


And my own contribution from Jan 4th. 2013.
 17. "You were going that fast because you are late for work?  Here, let me give you a valid excuse to be late then go ahead and step out of the car and place your hands behind your back.   'Tango-9 to dispatch, send a wrecker to my location......I have one in custody....'"

[prism {*RgR*1*}]

*lmao* I thought of you today. I got a patrolman to cover my desk so I could go pee. When I got back, he was on the phone...

"Where is the truck parked?... No Parking zone where...what street?...oh the parking at your apartments..Is it your truck? No, then why do you care?...Why is it bothering you? .. oh, because you just don't like it! Well, guess what?! WE DON'T CARE! ..that parking lot is your landlord's private property. You want something moved off his private property, have him move it. Don't call back with this. Bye. "

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.... Just happy it is HIS voice on the phone line recorder!

[Raziel]

 

I seem to run into some characters. 

Yesterday, we patrol the first insane asylum in SC and it is now abandoned and fenced in with "No Tresspassing" posted all around it.  So, Im driving around and see two kids, the male had a headband flashlight and a back back and the female is using her cell phone as a flashlight as well.  It's dark, I can see the light.  They see me and quickly move off the road and lay down, flat on their stomach facing each other and dont move.  So, being curious, I drive up, look dead at the kids, both have their eyes closed and dont realize the male's flashlight is lighting up the girls face and the girls cellphone light is lighting up the boys face. 

I get on the PA and tell them to stand up and approach my vehicle.  I call it in and get out with the kids.  Both 16.  I asked what the hell were they doing and the boy said "Well, we see people do it all the time in action movies and cops drive right by so, I thought we could do it."

I told him they lit each other up with their lights and you could see the macho leave him immediately.



Today...

Man is on private state property with his dogs and I tell him he needs to leave but I will give him 30 minutes to finish up with his dogs.  He says thanks and I leave.  Hour and a half later I come back around and the man is still on state grounds, this time he is in the car driving beside his dogs as they walk, so I light him up and pull him over.

He gets a bit irate with me and states "I have never been lit up before by any cop and I been coming here walking my dogs for 15 years and I live just on the other side of the fence.  This is the first time any cop has dared to pull me over!"

He's driving a BMW station wagon, not many of those but he is angry at me and slams his car door because he tried to get out and I told him to get back in.  I walked up and kindly stated..."Well, Id like to say Im honored at being your first.  Im sure you will always remember me now."

I gave him a tresspass notice and said if he came back, Id arrest him and take to jail as it was another good place for firsts.

He left the grounds without another word and a shocked look on his face.

 

Raz

[...haven]

couldn't help myself this is just too funny!! 
Missin' you all! ...haven

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.