How do you begin to measure the important things in your life.... perhaps one of the most self-realizing questions I've ever had to ask myself, or that any of us has ever had to ask ourselves. Maybe it's only when we're on the verge of losing everything that is important to us do we ever really know, truely, what it is that spawns the unquestionable knowledge of what it is we hold dear...
In my relatively short amount of time on this spinning planet, I've learned a few of the things that are important to me.. Good friends... my family, both r/t and v/t... quiet moments to myself, as those are few and far between these days.. and the outside world. Looking through the window of a sterile hospital room... I guess you get to miss some of those priviledges that we all have..
Lately, I've had so much time to think, particularly at night when no one else is around. One of those few precious moments to myself.. I miss freedoms that I used to have before going off to fight, and there are times that I'm angry enough that I want to scream.. part of the whole of it all, I imagine. I miss the state of mind I used to be in, when everything was even-Steven and I wasn't consistently on a damned hormonal roller coaster.. But I think I can handle that.. But there are some things I'm not sure that I can handle.
You all may be wondering why I'm writing this, and I'll tell you.. I've had several daily exams since I've been in, lots of poking and prodding and picture taking. In one of those pictures something showed up, something that could potentially challenge me as a person, moreso as a woman. Don't think that I need to be more specific than that.. but, should things come to pass that I don't get another chance, I want you all to know that you were important to me in a time when I needed to laugh, and that you were there to engage me when I needed to slip away from r/t. There isn't one of you that isn't loved or thought of highly for the wonderful characters that you are... and the amazing people you continually show yourselves to be. Whether sooner... God forbid... or later, Tuchuk will be in my heart long after it stops beating.
With never ending love,
Nex