a little laugh :-)

[familure{TD}]

[RAGNAR]

*smiles*

[Claudia]

I Love Snow



 December 8, 6:00 PM

 It started to snow. The first snow of the season! The wife and I took our hot chocolate and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge, soft flakes drift down from Heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print! It was so romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

 December 9

 We awoke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon, the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

 December 12

 The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry - we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says that by the end of winter we'll have so much snow that I'll never want to see it again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

 December 14

Snow, lovely snow! Eight inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so! The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

 December 15

 Twenty inches forecast for tonight. Sold my van and bought a 4 x 4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all!

 December 16

 Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt while putting salt on the driveway. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

 December 17

 Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but I won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right! I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

 December 20

 Electricity's back on, but had another fourteen inches of the darn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Blasted snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, but they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

 December 22

 Bob was right about a white Christmas, because thirteen more inches of the white mess fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, visited the bathroom and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Bob has a plow on his truck. I tried to hire him for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think he’s lying.

 December 23

 Only two inches of snow today! And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What...is she nuts? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

 December 24

 Six inches. Snow packed hard by the snowplows. I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the guy who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his fingernails. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the darned snowplow.

 December 25

Merry Christmas! Twenty more inches of the #@&*@#& slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I really hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

 December 26

 Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

 December 27

 Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

 December 28

 Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The WIFE is driving me crazy!!

 December 29

 Ten more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

 December 30

 Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. Nine inches predicted.

 December 31

 Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

 January 8

 I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

 ...Author Unknown


 

[familure{TD}]

~bol~

[Kitya]

*dies laffing* THIS would be why my dad has a plow attached to his tractor and just clears the yard out in minutes... *lol* and while he's doing that he's in his nice warm heated cab of the tractor. See?Uis Saskies aren't dumb... we just press our luck by taking said tractor and blade onto the slough to clear it off for skating..... *chuckles*

[RAGNAR]

JDL!!!

[Taryn]

I love the snow, don't have to shovel it, or do anything else to it, just sit inside and let hubby drive around in it... ~ducks and RUNSSSSSSSSSSSS~

[LadyMuse]

'Twas The (Politically Correct) Night Before Christmas
 
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

 

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
 you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

[LadyMuse]

Barbie's Christmas List!  )

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245
 
Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1996

Dear Santa:

Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
Present, wearing skimpy bathing  suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!  There had
better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and
trust me, you won't wanna be  around to smell it).  So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998:
 

Santa:

1.  A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized  sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.
How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get?  Do you have any idea what it feels
like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2.  Real underwear that can be pulled on and off.  Preferably white.  What bonehead at Mattel decided to
cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!?  It looks like cellulite!

3.  A REAL man...maybe GI Joe.  Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken.  And what's with that earring  anyway?  If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4.  Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5.  Breast reduction surgery.  I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.

6.  A jogbra.  To wear until I get the surgery.

7.  A new career.  Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst?  Or better yet,
a public relations senior account exec!

8.  A new, more 90s persona.  Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9.  No more McDonald's endorsements.  The grease is wrecking  my vinyl.

10.  Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it.  Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line.
If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas.

It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

[Taryn]

the last one is the reason I am very glad I don't live in Cali anymore, lived maybe 20 mins away from Mattel, and the last time that place caught fire... PHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

[RAGNAR]

JDL

[LadyMuse]

Ken's Christmas List!  )

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ken
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245
 
Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1998

Dear Santa:

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically
asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks
were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices.  I would like to take
this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs
and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential
treatment - the bitch has everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have
a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style.  I
personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length.

My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in my career.  Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon
Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"?  In addition, there are several other avenues which could be
considered such as "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".
These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie
needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to
the curb.  Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this
issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result
in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least
that's what he said last night.

Sincerely,

Ken
 

[LadyMuse]

The Fucking Night Before Christmas, Dammit
==========================================

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Everybody felt shitty -- even the mouse.
Mom at the Whorehouse and Dad smoking grass;
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece to see what the matter
Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment: it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment the fat fucker fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch blew the chimeny apart,
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
"Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!"




((*laughs and grins* I just coulnd;t resist posting this))

[Amber]

Christmas funnies are GREAT -tilts head- Though, pretezels and beer in the stockings?  Reminds me of the hubby's home town -ain't kidding!-

[Amber]

You're an 80's kid if:








>>1. You ever ended a sentence with the word "SIKE".



>>2. You watched Pound Puppies.



>>3. You can sing the rap to "Fresh Prince of Bel Air".



>>4. You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish.



>>5. You yearned to be a member of the babysitters club and tried to

>>start one of your own.



>>6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.



>>7. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on "Blossom"



>>8. Two words: M.C.Hammer



>>9. If you ever watched Fraggle Rock



>>10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars. (HECK YEAH!!!)



>>11. You can sing the entire theme song to "DuckTales"



>>12. It was actually worth getting up on Sat morning to watch cartoons.



>>13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.



>>14. You saw "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" on the big screen.



>>15. You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer

class.



>>16. You had a clip that held your shirt in a knot at the side.



>>17. You played the game MASH (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)



>>18. You wore a Jordache jean jacket and you were proud of it.



>>19. L.A. Gear... need I say more.



>>20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in kindergarten.



>>21. You remember all of the Ramona books.



>>22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF".



>>23. You wanted to be a Goonie.



>>24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some head to toe)



>>25. You can remember what Michael Jackson REALLY looked like.

>>

>>26. You ever wondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

>>

>>27. You took garbage pail kids to school.

>>

>>28. You remember the CRAZE! , then the BANNING of slap bracelets.

>>

>>29. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.

>>

>>30. Barbie and the Rockers were your fav band.

>>

>>31. You thought She-Ra and He-Man should hook up.

>>

>>32. You thought your childhood friends would never leave you b/c

>>you exchanged friendship bracelets.

>>

>>33. You ever owned a pair of jelly shoes. (and probably in neon

>>colors)

>>

>>34. After Pee-Wee's Big Adventures you kept saying "I know you are

>>but what am I".

>>

>>35. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up".

>>

>>36. You remember skating before inline skates.

>>

>>37. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip-n-slide.

>>

>>38. You had a Skip-it.

>>

>>39. You had or attended a b-day party at Mc Donald's.

>>

>>40. You've gone thru this nodding your head in agreement.

>>

>>41. "Don't worry, Be happy!!"

>>

>>42. You wore like 8 pair of socks over tights w/high top Reeboks.

>>

>>43. You wore socks scrunched down.

>>

>>44. "Miss MARY MACK MACK MACK all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK".

>>

>>45. Boom boxes vs. Cd players.

>>

>>46. Both Gremlin movies.

>>

>>47. "CARE BEAR STARE!!!"

>>

>>48. You remember Rainbow Bright and My Lil PonyTales.

>>

>>49. You thought Doogie Howser was hot!

>>

>>50. You remember Johnny Depp because of 21 Jump Street!!

>>

>>51. Alf, the furry brown alien from Melmac.

>>

>>52. New Kids on the Block when they were cool.

>>

>>53. Knew all the characters and there life stories on the ORIGINAL

>>Saved By the Bell.

>>

>>54. Know all the words to Bon Jovi- SHOT THRU THE HEART.

>>

>>55. You just sang it to yourself.

>>

>>56. You remember when Mullets were cool.

>>

>>57. You tight rolled your pants.

>>

>>58. You owned a banana clip!



Bad part is....I can answer yes to almost all of these questions.


YES.. I am a child of the 80's!

But they forgot to mention Thundercats and Snorkels...