a little laugh :-)

[just me]

The Cat in The Hat
on aging

I cannont see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh my god, what can I do??

My memory shrinks
my hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like Hell
My mood is bad - can you tell?

My body's drooping
have trouble pooping
The Golden Years
have come at last
The Golden Years
can kiss my ass

[just me]

30 Years Difference:

1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for hair

1973: KEG
2003: EKG

1973: Acid rock
2003: Acid reflux

1973: Moving to California because it's cool
2003: Moving to California because it's warm

1973: Trying to look like Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look like Liz Taylor

1973: Seeds and stems
2003: Roughage

1973: Hoping for a BMW
2003: Hoping for a BM

1973: The Grateful Dead
2003: Dr. Kevorkian

1973: Going to a new, hip joint
2003: Receiving a new hip joint

1973: Rolling Stones
2003: Kidney Stones

1973: Passing the drivers' test
2003: Passing the vision test

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? (Sorry)

[Taryn]

[Claudia]

Many greetings from "Savi the Singer"   



http://www.witze-welt.de/videos/kannnichtsingen.php

[RAGNAR]

JDL!!!

[LadyMuse]

Stupid People



1. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that I could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

2. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

7. My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

8. Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency.

[prism {*RgR*1*}]

I got this in email from jale{K}... *LMAO*... I know she would love to share it..

I subtitled it..

How to Understand Your Ubar

Why Are Men Happy?
 
   
Men Are Just Happy People-- What do you expect
From such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
   
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
 
   
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
 
   
People never stare at your chest when
You're talking to them.

 
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.  You know stuff about tanks.
 
   
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
 
   
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
 
   
Your underwear is $8.95
For a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.   
You only have to shave your face and neck.
 
   
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
 
   
You can do Christmas
Shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happy

[Amantha]

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news.

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.


The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemimadelivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, pass it on to someone who kneads it.

[Tiggie]

OMG  Amantha

[LadyMuse]

This got all of PEI laughing. Read it and you'll see why!
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing
this.

Many PEI folks DID hear this on the 92-FM morning show in PEI.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The
game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if
they are married or seriously involved with someone.
If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random
yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge
the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification.
If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they
both win the prize.  One particular game, however, several months
ago made the Charlottetown City drop to its knees with laughter and
is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on 93-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate  Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the
Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?"

(Touchtones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with 93-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"


And the drivers of PEI almost crashed their cars laughing!

[Amantha]

OMG Muse..
Is any Man missing something??

http://wcco.com/watercooler/watercooler_story_055061505.html

[RAGNAR]

omg...

[Kitya]

good LORD!! *lol*

[Yahira]

There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant.

"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it.

When I was 30, I enjoyed it.

When I was 40, I asked for it.

When I was 50, I paid for it.

When I was 60, I prayed for it.

When I was 70, I forgot all about it.

Now I'm 80, and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"

 

[kadi{MTC}]

A Mexican comes looking for a job, but the foreman on site won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9.

"Without numbers?"  The Mexican says, "Dat is oh so easy senor" And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the foreman asks?

"Ave you got no brain boss?  Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Mexican.

"Fair enough," says the foreman, bemused. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Mexican stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.  "Ere you go."

The foreman scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now.  So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree.  Dat make 99."

The foreman is getting slightly worried that he's going to actually have to hire this smart assed Mexican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Mexican stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go boss. One hundred."

The foreman looks at the attempt.  "You must be off your trolley if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Mexican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred."

"So, when I start boss?"