a little laugh :-)

[Thalia]

Two questions:  Is it insured?  Is there a cliff nearby?

[Ayelen]

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of  it -------------------------

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter ............................. either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!   

[Amantha]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
 

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber....
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
  It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."

  The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

  The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

  The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

  A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,"Why is the male brain so much more?"

  The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to t he entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

[cat{MTC}]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my ! GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful .. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I m driving."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[Huravia]

Subject: Miss Beatrice
>
>
>Miss Beatrice, the church  organist, was in her eighties and had never been
>  married. She  was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.   One
>afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
>sitting room. She  invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
>
>  As he sat facing  her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
>cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in
>the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and
>scones, they began to chat.
>
>The pastor tried  to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
>strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
>resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
>this?" pointing to the bowl.
>
>"Oh, yes," she  replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the
>Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
>
>  The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it
>would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't  had the flu all
>winter."

[RAGNAR]

OMG!!!

JDL

[LadyMuse]

why??



Why, Why, Why ?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

[Yahira]

[Yahira]

[Jay]

Brokeback Mountain 2 looks good. -nod nod nod- 

[LadyMuse]

THE BOX OF CHOCOLATES
 
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you
were married, or wish you weren't married, this is
something to smile about the next time you open a box
of chocolates:
 
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips
in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo
woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was
a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked
the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a
silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
 
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a
bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman
just sat silently, looking intently at everything she
saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a
white bag on the seat next to Sally.
 
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
 
Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a
box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".
 
"The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said: "Good trade."
 
 
 
 

*GRINS and runs*

[Jay]

-LMTAO- I'm sorry, but that IS funny!

[cat{MTC}]

A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, "What size condoms?"The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants.

He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants.

He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...

 

 

 

 

 

 


(you'll love this one...................)

 

 

 

 



"Cleanup, Register 5"

[LadyMuse]

Bran Muffins



They were 85 years old, and had been married for
60 years. Though not young, they were both in very
good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on
healthy foods and exercise.

One day, their good health didn't help when they
went on a rare vacation and their plane
unfortunately crashed, sending them off to heaven.

They reached heaven, St. Peter escorted them
inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, with a
fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master
bath.

They gasped in astonishment when Peter said,
"Welcome to heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was
going to cost. "Why, nothing," said St. Peter.
"Remember, this is your reward in heaven."

The old man looked out the window and he saw a
championship golf course, finer and more beautiful
than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens
fees?" asked the old man.

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play
for free, every day, any time of the day you want."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish
buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out
before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic
deserts, and free

flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St.
Peter tothe man. "This is heaven, and it is all free
for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at
his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low
cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he
asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You
can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever
you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This
is heaven!"

The old man inquired, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran
muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago!"

[LadyMuse]

son-in-law



A father goes to his daughter's bedroom and finds a dildo in top of the bed..upset and after pondering on it he decides to confront her about it. When she comes back from college he sits her down and says " Child we need to talk, i found this...can u explain to me the meaning of this?" " Its simple father" she answers " you have told me i must be careful and act wise when it comes to sexual relations... and i decided to let loose to my sexual desires and my hormonal awakening with this dildo...you see it does not give me aids its ready when i want it i dont have to suck it so it can perform...it gives it to me anyway i want it whenever i want it, doesnt get me pregnant and its faithfull to me, so i decided to take it for my sexual partner" Her father looks at her seriously and thinking about the logical reasons she gave decided to let it all go on. After a couple of days the daughter comes home and finds her father in the living room with a glass of whiskey in one hand and the vibrator on the dildo on the other...astonished she screams " Dad what the hell are u doing with my dildo? Her father all calmed looks at her with glassy eyes and with slurry words answers " Whaaaat the fuck can't I have a couple of drinks with my son in law?