Oldies
Very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well
groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a
good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an
upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady,
(mid-eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a
sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
* * * * * * * * *
A gentleman went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him
fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear
100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased
that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my
family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will three times!"
* * * * * * * * *
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I
just wet my pants.
* * * * * * * * *
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two
gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new
restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man
thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower
you give to someone you love?
You know... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to
last night?
* * * * * * * * *
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his
feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a
chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the
elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I
don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out
of her hospital gown."
* * * * * * * * *
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a
bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember
it?"
she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on
top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He
says, "I can remember that.You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget
that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to
write it down, I can remember it.
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old
man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and
eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment."Where's my toast?"
* * * * * * * * *
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're
getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she
good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook
too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church
mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know." "Why in the
world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!"
* * * * * * * * *
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
* * * * * * * * *
A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
* * * * * * * * *
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor
spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a
heart murmur; be careful!'"
* * * * * * * * *
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath,
he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
