a little laugh :-)

[Jay]

[Kitya]

*just freakin dies laffin*

[familure{TD}]

General Motors Versus Microsoft



At one computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because almost none of the controls would operate the same way as in the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[Thalia]

OH my God, that's great. BOL!

I once worked for MSN, and all I have to say is... yep!

[Kitya]

I totally love number 7... *laffs*

[Taryn]

Flag Pole

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," Bubba said, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.

Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

[Taryn]

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody

Whose Job Is It?


This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

[Taryn]

The ventriloquist cowboy and the Indian



While riding the range one day, a ventriloquist cowboy met an Indian riding
along with a dog and a sheep and decided to have some fun with him.



Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"



Indian: "Dog no talk."



Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"



Dog: "Doin' good."



Indian is shocked . .



Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.



Dog: "Yep"



Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"



Dog: "Real good. He lets me run free twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."



Indian has a look of total disbelief.



Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"



Indian: "Horse no talk."



Cowboy: "Hey horse, how are you?"



Horse: "Good."



Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" indicating the Indian again.



Horse: "Yep"



Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"



Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down
often, and keeps me under a tree to protect me from the rain."



Indian stares in utter amazement.



Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"



Indian: "Sheep is liar."

[Jay]

CROSSING THE DELAWARE

Have you ever wondered where the Phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin Me" came from?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 (((remember this number))) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and was storming furiously, and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (((remember this name))) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and  forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead."

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort."

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"

Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us, without Peters "

And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me.

[RAGNAR]

egawds...

[familure{TD}]

Medical Distinction between balls and guts



We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

[RAGNAR]

LOL

[Amber]

Balls....Guts...I simply refer to it as Stupidity.

[prism {*RgR*1*}]

*He said -I don't know why you wear a bra;
 you've got nothing to put in it.
 She said -You wear pants don't you?
****
 He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
 She said - That's a good idea! You stand by the ironing board, while    I sit on the sofa and fart!
****
 He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave  you?
 She said -Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
****
 He said - How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
 She said - I don't know.  It has never happened.
****
 He said - Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring   and good-looking?
 She said -They already have boyfriends.
****
 He said - What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is   every night?
 She said - A widow.
****
 He said - Why are married women heavier than single women?
 She said -Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator, and   go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the  refrigerator.*




Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy.

He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the
barrel.

He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to
climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company.

He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line
Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific!

My son is also my pride and joy he started working for a big airline,
and then went to flight school to become a pilot.

Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the
majority of its assets.

He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his
birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer.

Then he started his own construction company and is now a
multimillionaire.

He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best
friend for his birthday: a 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
returned from the restroom and asked:

"What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for
the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as
a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
him.

And he hasn't done too badly either.

His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000
square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes
from his three boyfriends"

[RAGNAR]

*groans*