a little laugh :-)

[Kevlar1971]

"EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE 50 And Over"

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

[Shylina Marie]

interesting things when you have sons, like...


1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.



2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.



3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.



4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.



5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.



6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.



7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.



8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.



9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.



10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.



11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.



12.) Super glue is forever.



13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.



14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.



15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.



16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.



17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.



18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.



19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.



20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.



21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.



22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.



23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.



24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.



25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
 
 
 

[prism {*RgR*1*}]

Spring is around the corner and with that the natural urge for romance, weddings, etc.. so here are some things to remember ..

Men, pay attention.. LOL
Women, you get it already...


WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST     
   
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.     
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.     
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl .

And her husband is on the back of the milk
carton.
~*~*~*~*~*~

WOMEN'S REVENGE
   
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
    As she fumbled for her wallet , I notice d a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
~*~*~*~*~*~

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
   
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
   
   
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
   
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much
cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
   
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
~*~*~*~*~*~

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
   
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of
yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

WORDS
   
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

CREATION
   
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

WHO DOES WHAT
   
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and beside s, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The Silent Treatment
   
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'
   
   
Men are not equipped for these
kinds of contests.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
   

LMAO!

[dilshad{property of Tira}]

LAFFS....good 'uns sister

[rep]

Joe walks into the bar and says, "Harry pour me a double."

Harry says, "What happened Joe, another blowout with the wife?"

Joe says proudly, "Yeah, but this time I finally brought her to her knees!"

Harry says, "So what did she say when she was down there?"

"Get out from under the bed, you coward!!!"

[RAGNAR]

 

[familure{TD}]

New Drugs for Women


DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.


JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

[familure{TD}]

just because this made me laugh~

[familure{TD}]

What is "Butt Dust?"


What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!


JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'


MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'


STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'


BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'


SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'


DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'


MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'


CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'


JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'


TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'


The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget... ...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

[familure{TD}]

[familure{TD}]

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.



One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.



Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,



'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part
died today, and I am very sad.'



Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,

She replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'



The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private
Part hanging out of his pajam as.



He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down
the hall like that. Please put your P rivate Part back inside your pajamas.




'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that
my Private Part died.



'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of
your pajamas?'



(You've gotta love this ....)







'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

[familure{TD}]

Church offering


One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,
The Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing
$1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected
And saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on
The plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by
Curiosity, approached her.

'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in
The collection plate,' he stated.

'Why yes,' she replied, 'every week my son sends me money,
And I give some of it to the church.'

The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you
Sure you can afford this? How much d oes he send you?'

The elderly woman answered, '$10,000 a week.'

The pastor was amazed. 'Your son is very successful; what does
He do for a living?'

'He is a veterinarian,' she answered.

'That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that
Much money,' the pastor said. 'Where does he practice?'

The woman answered proudly, 'In Nevada . He has two cat houses ,

One in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '

[familure{TD}]

7 Sex Positions Women Love


By someone named HogWild-


Everyone knows sex is the most important thing that we do as humans. Why else would God make sex feel so good?

Because we're here to populate the planet. If something else was more important God would have made that feel better. For instance, dancing feels good. But people go to dance clubs looking to find a new sex partner. People don't go to whorehouses looking to find a new dance partner.


I've learned some things from porn such as:

* Women love to put a man's disproportionately large sex organ in their mouth immediately after it's been inside other parts of her anatomy

And I've learned things from soap operas such as:

* Women love to seduce a man who just woke up from a coma even though he is still engaged to her sister.

And I've learned things from experience such as:

* Women enjoy compliments like, "Your body is so hot!" better than compliments like, "You're not nearly as fat as I thought you were!"

So today I am here to share with you HogWild's Top 7 Sex Positions Women Love:

1 - Missionary Accomplished

The man is on top of the woman, his weight against her. Women love this position because of the intense eye contact. The man is in great position to thrust his jammy into her hoo-ha but he is ALSO in a great
position to listen to the woman talk about her day.

By the time she's finished talking the guy will be fast asleep. It's just like he had an orgasm -- except less messy. The only fluids ejaculated will be his drool on the pillow.

2 - Spooning

In this intimate position, the man sits opposite the woman and gently spoons ice cream into her mouth. This position is especially exciting for exhibitionists who like to do it in public places like restaurants
or parks.

3 - The "Who Needs a Rubber When You've Got Plastic?" Position

In this position the woman stands behind the man. She slowly slides her hands down his chest, over his abs, and then she slides her right hand into his pants pocket. She coos, "Oh, it's SO big!" He says, "Um, that's my wallet." She replies, "I know." Then she goes down, and with her teeth, removes his credit cards. Then she goes to the mall.

Women love this sexy move!

4 - The Spider

The man leans back, supporting his weight on his outstretched arms behind him. The woman leans back in the same position, situating her lady-hole onto his meat thermometer. She feels ecstasy and throws her head back, looking up at the ceiling. That's when she sees a spider. She demands the man get up and squish it.

Women love this. Women love guys who care for furry animals but mutilate yucky ones.

5 - Reverse Cowgirl

The man lays down on his back. The woman sits on his romance-pole, facing away from him.

PROS: Woman more likely feel it on her G-Spot.
CONS: Man less likely to be able to see the television.

Women love this position because they control the pace, you can slap her booty, and most importantly since she's not facing you, she can be on the phone.

6 - Doggy-style

In this popular position for women, the woman shouts commands and her man obeys. He fetches things, he sits, and he rolls over. This gives the woman extreme satisfaction knowing she has properly trained her man. Now she feels confident that she can walk with him down the street without him pulling away and checking out every bitch he sees.

7 - Sixty-Nine-West

This is sure to please both partners. This is where the man gets a blow-job and the woman gets new shoes!

[Amber]

-face palms- Oh Lordy.

[Shadow duck]

The relatives gathered in the waiting room,


where their family member lay gravely ill.



Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.



'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,



' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.



'The only hope left for your loved one at this time



is a brain transplant.



It's an experimental procedure,



very risky but it is the only hope.



Insurance will cover the procedure,



but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves..'



The family members sat silent



as they absorbed the news.



After a great length of time, someone asked,



'Well, how much does a brain cost?'



The doctor quickly responded,



'$5,000 for a male brain,



and $200 for a female brain.'



The moment turned awkward.



 Men in the room tried not to smile,



avoiding eye contact with the women,



but some actually smirked.



A man unable to control his curiosity,



blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,



'Why is the male brain so much more?'



The doctor smiled at the childish innocence



 and explained to the entire group,



'It's just standard pricing procedure.



We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'

Two Ukrainians walk into a pet shop in Swift Current, Saskatchewan, and head directly to the bird section. Jacob, the Preacher,
says to John, the Farm Boss, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, ve'll take four of dem little budgies
in dat cage up der,' says John.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Jacob
and John pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into the colony van and drive over to the train trellis bridge. >From the top of the bridge, John looks down at the 200 -foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of  the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the bridge. Jacob watches as John falls all the way to the bottom.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Jacob
shakes his head and says: 'Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous fer me.'

BUT WAIT!!!! there's MORE!

PART TWO:


Moments later Isaac, the Hog Boss, arrives up on the bridge.  He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of  the bridge carrying  another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hey, Jacob, vatch dis,' Isaac says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself off the bridge. Jacob watches as
halfway down, Isaac takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Isaac continues to plummet until he hits the bottom. Jacob shakes his head and says, 'Ya, und I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either.'



BUT WAIT!!!!.....

PART THREE:

Jacob is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Abe, the Chicken Boss, appears. He's carrying an old potato sack out of  which he pulls a chicken -- one of those old layer hens. Abe then grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the bridge  and disappears down and down until he too hits bottom.


Jacob shakes his head in sadness. 'First der vas John wid his budgie jumping, den Isaac parrotshooting...... und now we've lost Abe hengliding.