"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair
in
Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.
Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment,and I
happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true
taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy,and besides, they told me I could have FREE beer during the
tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event."
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy
on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*******************************************
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork.
Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they
saw the look on my face.
*********************************************
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent
firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me
on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I feel gas pockets shooting between my pelvic sockets. I'm getting
shit-faced.
*********************************************
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it, it feels good on my chin. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like
this nuclear-waste I'm eating. My nose is running profusely, I am fairly
sure it is not blood, eyesight getting blurry...
*********************************************
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili.
Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended
when
I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
*********************************************
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold
vegetarian
variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.Superb!
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that mutt Sally. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! The sun is spinning and colored disks
are flying out of it---I think I'm having a religious experience. I'm
pretty
sure I just wet my shorts.
*********************************************
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili
with
too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably and clutching his crotch.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel
a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing,it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air,I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch
hole in my stomach.
*********************************************
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is
a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare
its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make
it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
