Author Topic: a little laugh :-)  (Read 659657 times)

Offline RAGNAR

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #945 on: August 27, 2011, 10:04:07 PM »
LMTAO... then groans.

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #946 on: August 28, 2011, 07:20:42 AM »
One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:

 "Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in South Carolina and this weather is just like a typical June day." Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.

 When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the South Carolinian, "Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?" The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot July day in South Carolina. I'm coping it just fine."

 Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the South Carolinian jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.

 "This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: "The Panthers have finally won the Super Bowl! The Panthers have won the Super Bowl!"

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #947 on: August 28, 2011, 07:23:09 AM »
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
 a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

 "Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't f*ck with Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline flame{NS}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #948 on: August 28, 2011, 07:28:57 AM »
those were cute  i needed a laugh.. thanks for sharing ...


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I won't promise to be your friend forever, because I won't live that long. But let me be your friend as long as I live.

Offline Mercilayne

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #949 on: August 28, 2011, 10:34:27 AM »
I loved those!  -bol-

Offline RAGNAR

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #950 on: August 28, 2011, 07:04:24 PM »
LOL

Aunt Marge... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #951 on: August 29, 2011, 02:08:51 PM »
So how bad is the economy really doing, you ask?

Women are having sex with their husbands/boyfriends because they can't afford batteries.

Jury Duty is now considered a good-paying job.

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

My ATM gave me an IOU!

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with the purchase was a bank.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned the names of their children.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Motel Six won't leave the light on for you anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street ."

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

One of the casinos in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.


To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #952 on: August 29, 2011, 02:09:28 PM »
When you hear these comments don't assume their positive sound is all they indend to be. Backhanded comments really are a kicker.

"That dress is lovely; it does wonders for your figure."

"You're smarter than you look."

"You drive very well, for a woman."

"Your son is more handsome than I would have expected."

"You are attractive, for your age."

"You're actually kinda cute now that I've gotten to know you."

"You're not as heavy as people think you are."

"I don't care what anyone says about you, I think you are a fabulous person!"

"You're so smart, for an American."

"You don't sweat that much for a fat girl!"

"I'm amazed by the level of success readers have after following your advice."

"Your plastic surgeon has such a delightful sense of humor!"

"Relax, sweetie... you were perfectly adequate."

"You're more of a "street smart" kind of guy."

"You're not the kind of girl guys date; you're the kind of girl they marry."

"You're so evolved…for a man."

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #953 on: August 29, 2011, 02:12:19 PM »
A local newspaper recently asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding a stupid person that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature: is both stupid and an asshole.

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline Mercilayne

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #954 on: August 29, 2011, 06:25:24 PM »
OMG!!  -jfdl-  I love them!

Offline RAGNAR

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #955 on: August 29, 2011, 10:05:34 PM »
*Facepalms*

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #956 on: August 30, 2011, 05:27:44 PM »
The following Alzheimers test was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.

Take your time and see if you can read each line out loud without a single mistake.

The average person over 50 years of age can't do it!

1. This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4. This is to cat.

5. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat.

8. This is fart cat.

9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat.

12. This is seconds cat.


Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.


 ;D ;D ;D

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline familure{TD}

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #957 on: August 30, 2011, 05:29:08 PM »
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

 

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

 

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

 

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

Offline Mercilayne

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #958 on: August 30, 2011, 07:26:56 PM »
-lmao-  oh that first is so evil, I love it!!

Offline RAGNAR

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Re: a little laugh :-)
« Reply #959 on: August 31, 2011, 05:21:00 AM »
And a good wife is an EX-WIFE!!!