I know this is probably going to seem like a plea for pity or selfishness on my part, i just beg indulgence here because i am speaking as the typist not ice... who, whicle they are identical as far as personalities go but are obviously in different places ~smiles soft~.
I need to do some major thinking on what i should do from this point on. Last eve i was given the option of accepting punishment or gaming out... which i suppose is always the two choices. i've never shirked from taking responsibility for my actions and i know i'm far from perfect, i've been given a million chances here and i have been grateful for each and every one. So it is not that i wish to run from anything... it is that i have to balance trying to accept something i completely don't understand and how it is affecting me real life... i cried myself to sleep last night and am crying as i type, i don't want to lose my family but i'm so confused... i have to balance this with the good i am getting, because even as a slave the typist has to have a reason to be here that is doing me some good.
So i have to ask two questions:
1. Is my presence here benefitting the rp, and the people behind the screens? Right now it seems not, since somehow i have let my sisters down even if i don't know when or how. My being around surely causes some stress... for Mistress and others, and i'm not sure now that i'm bringing anyone any kind of joy, i thought i was doing well but i guess not. i've been sick as a dog for a week or so and my depression has seriously had the best of me for a while now, so i guess maybe i have been missing some things. Again this is not a pity ploy just looking from a point of view outside the roleplay itself. My purpose is to be pleasing and be supportive to sisters i guess and i seem to be failing miserably in both.
2. Is my presence here benefitting myself? Of late i guess not. i spend a lot of time crying because of the jags, and i am in a constant fight with my browser because of the change to dialup. i come to be with people i care about, which is one reason i have come on ooc a lot lately, because i know i am not really up to fulfilling my role in the low moods i have been in. If i am not permitted to do this much because of the exile for a week, then i am really not getting anything positive. Usually my positive in being in rp is the knowledge i am serving and trying to grow in who i am, and i know lots of ways i can improve, we all can, i'm just completely lost as to where i can improve in this issue i have supposedly neglected. So all this is doing right now is making me feel stupid and miserable because of my failures, this is on my head.
So i am going to be doing some heavy thinking. i don't expect people begging me to stay, or seeing this as anything but a whine. i just beg that if in the end, i have to go, that i be permitted to shelve ice without being labelled a gamer, as much as it would kill me to leave everyone. i just have to consider my own mental health in this. i love you all.
