This Tickled me ...

[Lynn]

LMBO..........now that's funny!!!

[~Meg~]

I thought it was pretty cute too...LOL

[Easy]

tat as good megs....nods...*S*

[Easy]

Two businessmen in NY City
are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the
store isn't ready - only a few shelves are set up.

One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk
by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling." No sooner are
the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious hillbilly from the
south walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks,
"What're y'all sellin' here?" One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling
assholes here." Without skipping a beat, the southerner says, "Well, I see
y'all're doing really good; you only got two left!"

NEW YORKERS (God bless 'em) SHOULD NOT MESS WITH SOUTHERNERS.

[~Meg~]

Janice, a blonde and her husband Al, are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs.
Janice finally comes back up to bed and AL says, "The dog is still barking louder than ever, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in OUR backyard, let's just see how THEY like it."

[-A Mut Misfit-]

Application for Permission to Date My Daughter
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement,
job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: __________________________________________________ ___________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
__________________________________________________ __________________

__________________________________________________ ____ ______________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)






ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________


REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend __________________________________________________ _

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor/priest ? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:

__________________________________________________ ____________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

__________________________________________________ ____________

C: A woman's place is in the:

__________________________________________________ ____________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

__________________________________________________ ____________

E. What do you want to do with your life ? ___________________________

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

__________________________________________________ ____________

G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, & RED HOT POKERS.


__________________________________________________ _______
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
(you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating ....
Daddy's Rules for Dating
1. If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
3. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
4. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops , midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
5. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
6. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns.
 

[Easy]

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs
> to file her taxes.
>
> The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few
> questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and
> then asks, "What's your occupation?"
>
> "I'm a Lady of the night," she says.
>
> The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase
> that."
>
> The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
>
> "No, that still won't work. Try again."
>
> They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken
> farmer."
>
> The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a
> prostitute?"
>
> "Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
>
> "Chicken Farmer it is."

[Easy]

> Woman's Poem
>
> He didn't like the casserole
> And he didn't like my cake,
> He said my biscuits were too hard
> Not like his mother used to make.
> I didn't perk the coffee right
> He didn't like the stew,
> I didn't mend his socks
> The way his mother used to do.
>
> I pondered for an answer
> I was looking for a clue.
>
> Then I turned around and
> smacked the shit out of him...
> Like his mother used to do.

[Easy]

A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the
Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she
neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young
man fixing (ready) to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and
said, 'Please don't jump, think of your dear mother
and father.'
He replied, 'Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to
jump.'
She said, 'Well, think of your wife and children.'
He replied, 'I'm not married and I don't have any
kids.'
She said, 'Well, think of Robert E. Lee.'
He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead
and jump, you dumb ass Yankee.'

[~Meg~]

What happens...

When you cheat on your wife

or girl friend
and she finds out?



OUCH!!

[-A Mut Misfit-]

Tale of the Irish Sausage


 Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn'thave a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came outwith one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have anymoney left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw themout.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

 At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think Ican do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees arekillin'me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.

[~Meg~]

Just a normal Friday night for Doo??...LOL

[-A Mut Misfit-]

lol

[Lord DooDah]

Hmph!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

' Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - £400
New shirt - £36
New underwear - £6
Second opinion - PRICELESS

[Kellie]

that's a good'n Doo *L*