This Tickled me ...

[~Meg~]

Those were good ones Kellie...LOL

[Easy]

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said:


  'I outlived the bitches.'

[Kellie]

I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars
worth of gas...

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

[Kellie]

Garfield on the oil crisis


A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~

Kansas
~~~

Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC

Any Questions? NO?...Didn't think So.

[Kellie]

God Loves Blondes
 
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.
 
Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.
 
She begins to pray... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.'
 
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
 
She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'
 
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
 
Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. I don't often ask You for help and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'
 
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....
 
'Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket.'

[Kellie]

A dog is truly a man's best friend.
 
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. 

Put your dog and your husband in the trunk of the car for an hour.
 
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

[Kellie]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
 
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
 
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
 
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -grass -
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
 
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
 
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?

[Kellie]

 VASELINE 
 
 A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
 
 He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline.  Have you ever used the product?'
 
 She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'
 
 'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'
 
 'We use it for sex.'
 
 The researcher was a little taken back.
 
 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.  But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.  I admire you for your honesty.  Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'
 
 The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all.  My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'
 
 And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke...
 
 

[Kellie]

Wive's bill of rights

We, the wives of America, love being married to the husbands of America. We know we have our faults, but with our ever-morphing roles these days, there's a lot of pressure on us to be superhuman. We care for our families, manage the home, keep ourselves attractive, and even bring home our shares of the bacon. We know we sometimes lash out, but we really do want to "live happily ever after" with you. Our mutual acknowledgement of these amendments can go a long way toward achieving that.

Amendment I
We have the right to dislike your buddies.
We know it's important for you to have your guy friends, but you should know by now that we're not turned on by your stories of the good old days at college, your sexual exploits, or which relief pitcher the Red Sox should trade. Disappear for a while and be boys—it's OK, go chug beer and high-five—but please don't expect us to be happy when your friends come over and put their feet on our coffee tables or leave their beer cans on the floor.

Amendment II
We have the right to experience PMS in all its glory.
Either give us our space or accept the consequences. We know it's unfair, but some of us just can't rein it in. You knew that before you married us. We may shout, cry, belittle, act irrationally. It lasts a few days each month, so please deal with it. Or even better: Bring home dinner, clear the dishes, and give us a big hug.

Amendment III
We have the right to demand you finish a household job.
We're not your mothers, and we loathe having to act like them. If you wash the dishes, do them all and clean the sink, too. Don't just bag the trash, take it outside to the bin. If you start a load of laundry, put it in the dryer and fold it too. We don't like nagging any more than you like hearing it.

Amendment IV
We have the right to an honest answer to "What's wrong?"
We admit guilt in this area too, but "Nothing" says nothing. If we ask, it's not because we're trying to make casual conversation. It's because we love you and need an honest answer. If there truly is nothing wrong, then ask why we think otherwise. Yes, this could open a can of worms, but remember when we dated and talked about everything?

Amendment V
We have the right to keep our secrets.
Not marriage-ending ones, just small secrets we choose to hide from others. If we don't want to speak our age or share our true hair color or reveal the cheesy TV shows we watch in private, it's not your place to reveal them to our friends, your business partners, or your ex-girlfriends/wives. We're not asking you to lie for us, but we would appreciate your discretion.

Amendment VI
We have the right to clean air.
You may think it's funny, masculine, or natural to pass gas anywhere and anytime you please, but when the smell drives us to gag, it's uncool. There is something inherently wrong in the relationship if you must walk over to us and fart, or if you intentionally set a bad example for the kids. We fart too, but we do so discreetly for a reason. You may not like our potpourri and scented candles, but they're infinitely better than toxic and flammable methane.

Amendment VII
We have the right to keep and bear tons of girly bathroom products.
You have your tools; so do we. These items are expensive and to be used sparingly. It brings no joy to see our $15 bath bar shrunk down to the size of a quarter after two passes on your chest and legs.

Amendment VIII
We have the right to speak to our girlfriends every day.
About whatever we want, whenever we want. Please don't eavesdrop or criticize. We know you're not that interested in gossip or psycho-analytical interpretations of why some people do what they do, so we turn to our like-minded female friends for instant gratification. Yes, we do talk about you—a lot. It helps us work through issues. This keeps us happy, sane and, usually, off your case.

Amendment IX
We have the right to flirt.
Not the kind that makes you jealous, but the healthy practice of connecting with another person on a non-sexual level. Light banter is fun, quick-witted, and encouraging to our self esteem. It might even remind you of why you feel in love with us. And if it gets us a smoking deal on that new furnace or a free stay for the family at a million-dollar ski chalet, so much the better.

Amendment X
We have the right to foreplay.
A fine bottle of wine, soft music, deep looks into each other's eyes, compliments, holding hands, cuddling—these are all forms of foreplay, and we insist on them. Please don't reach for our crotch or breasts and expect us to melt into a porn kitten. It didn't work when we met, it most certainly doesn't work now. Sure, we women are strong and independent, and appreciate an inspired quickie when the moment strikes, but we also have an inner soft spot the size of Texas that needs squeezing and cherishing. We appreciate you more when you think about how it feels to us rather than how it feels to you.

[Kellie]

Just to be fair....

Husbands bill of rights

We, the husbands of America, do not claim to be perfect. We're far from it. While we love being married to the wives of America, we have a few things that we'd like to straighten out. We're not asking for the world here. We understand that things like following our college football team to every away game is out of the question, as are after-dinner cigars. However; there are a few minor things that we'd like to clear up to make our marriage a happy one.

Amendment I

We have the right to go out with our friends at least once a month.
A man's relationship with his buddies is a bond that should never be broken. It helps keep us feeling young, connected and sane. It also helps us break the routine just like nights with the girls do for you. Even as we reach middle age, we like the fact that we still have a "crew."

Amendment II

We reserve the right to dislike your friend's husbands.
We promise to give the guy a fair shot, but when he starts acting like a moron, we can no longer authorize events with that family. And yes, wives have the same freedom to blackball when the tables are turned. It doesn't mean we like your friend any less, it just means that in her haste to have a big, fancy wedding, she chose a jackass that we don't want to spend our rare time off with. Listening to stories about how "wicked" he was on the French horn in his bitchin' ‘80s band is just too much.

Amendment III

We have the right to have a few things of ours in the house.
Everything we hold near and dear to us shouldn't all be in the garage. While we understand that our framed KISS concert poster might not make it on the living room wall, at least throw us a bone. The scene in "Juno" where Jason Bateman realized that everything he held near and dear was in a 200-square-foot room was a gut-shot to us all.

Amendment IV

We have the right not to be scolded by you.
We are your husbands, not your children. We don't mean to track dirt onto the carpet or get chips on the couch, but it's not like we just got a lap dance. Don't treat us like your children and we'll do our best not to act like them.

Amendment V

We have the right to teach our sons how to burp and fart.
Sharing bodily functions with our offspring is as much about life as it is about jokes. It's also something that can help brings kids and dads together. Believe me, kids and guys always laugh at farts—that's how we're wired. And we're not talking about being totally gross and inappropriate. We vow to teach them that there is a time and a place for behavior like this—and that the early service at Church is not one of them.

Amendment VI

We have the right to teach our children how to defend themselves.
Fighting is barbaric, terrible, and scary. But it's also part of growing up. We want our kids to be able to get out of a bad situation, not be bullied, and be able to take care of themselves. One of the plus sides of learning how to take care of yourself is that the more you know, the less you have to use it. Teaching our offspring how to defend themselves in a scary world is one of the basic duties of a father.

Amendment VII

We have the right to as much reading material in the bathroom as we need.
Sometimes we're in there a while, we can't help it. And no, we're not hiding … most of the time.

Amendment VIII

We have the right to watch the big game.
We care too much about our teams. We know it's not rational, but it's who we are. No one can explain the love men have for their teams, but you may as well embrace it because that love will not die. If you don't believe this, just remember the Boston Red Sox had the most loyal fans in sports and didn't win a World Series for 86 years.

Amendment IX

We have the right to the remote when we're on the couch.
This is something that's in our DNA. We know it, and you know it. If there's any doubt, watch us surf at top speed while knowing if a show is worth watching after stopping on it for .2 seconds. It's a thing of beauty.

Amendment X

We have the right to still use chivalry.
Yes … we know women are strong and independent, and we dig that. But allow us to open the door for you, or give up a seat and act like a gentleman once in a while. The world will be a better place because of it.

[Kellie]

SERENITY






Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?




Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'




The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.




I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.





I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.




An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'




My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.




Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.




It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.



These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'




THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop
laughing

[-A Mut Misfit-]

LOL.. I so needed that this morning!!

[Kellie]

you're welcome Bratty *S*...always good to have something to cheer you up...don't know what all's been going on, but by seeing the bunch of friends you have, it looks as if you'll be ok

[~Meg~]

  A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.  Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her  Birthday.
>   
> 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror. 
>   
>   On the morning of her Birthday, he arose
>   
> 
>   
> early, made her a nice big bowl of  Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
>   
 
>   
>   
>   
> He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear,
> the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
>   
>   
>   
> Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was  reeling and her stomach felt  upside down.
>   
>   He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra  fries and a chocolate shake.
>   
>   Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy , M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband  and
> collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and  lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??'
>   
>   Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my  dress size, you dumb as!'
>   
>   The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

[Kellie]

Now that's a good'n Meg *L* I had to share that through email with my buds.