This Tickled me ...

[Easy]

http://jj.am/gallery/v/GIFs/Double_owned_dog.gif.html

[~Meg~]

    Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 P.M. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the T.V. The 10:00 P.M. news was coming on.

    The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

    The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

    Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

    The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

    Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge
    did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

    The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

    Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5:00 P.M. news and so I knew he would jump."

    The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

    Bob took the money.

[Deliveryguy]

*s* good one Meg... I liked this one :

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

[Kellie]

 NEW SUNBURN TREATMENT:
 
This sounds like a good procedure to relieve the pain.
 
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
 
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
 
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
 
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?
 
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs. '

[Deliveryguy]

lol

[~Meg~]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth,
and I think I just wet my pants."

[PeterFitzwell]

['Carol']

I musta not been there the day you took that photo Peter..

Bran Muffins

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.  Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied.  'You can play for free, every day'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.  This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.  'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.   This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again.  All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bran muffins.  We could have been here ten years ago!'

 

[Eiluna]

Maria wanted a pay increase
The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now
Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
 
Maria: there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
 
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Senora, the gardener did.'

 

SHE GOT THE RAISE!

[PeterFitzwell]

[~Meg~]

 A husband and wife are doing their grocery shopping.

 The man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.

 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

 'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says.

 'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on
 shopping...

 A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and
 sticks it into the cart.

 'Whoa, what do you think you're doing?' asks the man.

 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

 The man replies...'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER, AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE!'

[PeterFitzwell]

['Carol']

My grandparents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by.  Today I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance, for Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.

Obituary

Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.  He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot.  She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Author unknown

[Hippie]

Amen.........so true

[PeterFitzwell]

Spring of 1957
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.

When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?"

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!"

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby — so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad, it's called the twist!"