This Tickled me ...

[Gina]

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older
he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. After being
referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a
doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that
it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which
causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine.
The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but
decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital following the surgery, he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself. Just the same, as he
walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I
need: A new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman,

"I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . .Size 44
tall."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job," the salesman replied. Joe tried on the suit. It
fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman
asked,

"How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see . . . 34 sleeve and .
. .16-and-a-half neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the
collar in the mirror, the salesman asked,

"How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see . . .9-and-a-
half . . .wide.

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked
comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,

"How about a new hat?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see . . .7 and
5/8."

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when
the salesman asked,

"How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see
. . .Size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "No. You can't wear a size 34. "It
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and
give you one hell of a headache."

[~Meg~]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up

and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.


'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

[Gina]

Well.....isn't THAT precious




Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an
endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman
married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from
the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the
California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built
a beautiful mansion for me." The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't
that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband
bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz." Again, the lady from the South commented,
"Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my
husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the Southern
lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for
you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?".

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who
gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?

[Gina]

Luck of the Irish
 
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.
You've done very well so far,'
'But for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left -
phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......
will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'

'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'
  A: Sparrow - B: Thrush -  C: Magpie - D: Cuckoo

I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline
and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin '.
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances
and repeated the question to him.

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm fookin sure.'

Mick hung up the phone and told the MC,

'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed,
'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, back in Dublin , Mick invited Paddy to their local pub
to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know
it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?

Paddy replied :  'Simple . .
because a Cuckoo lives in a Fookin clock!

[~Meg~]

 

 A Touching Home Depot Story

 Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new
 hinge, so he sent
 his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a
 beautiful bathroom
 faucet while she was waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish
 waiting on
 a customer.

 When Walt was finished, Mary asked.. 'How much for that
 faucet?' Walt
 replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.' My goodness that sure
 is a lot
 Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that
 Charlie had
 sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
 From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for
 that hinge?'

 Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

 This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

[Gina]

Your gonna laugh at this one.
 

THE
VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.

Shocked,
she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'

The daughter
replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the
same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door.
Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the
daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from
a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the
couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzinglike crazy.

The wife asked: 'What are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with
my son-in-law.'




 
 

 




 
 

[Gina]

SEX AFTER DEATH ....


A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to
his word, he made the first contact,
"Marion...Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then
it's off to the golf course .. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun
and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be
proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then
pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back
to golf course again..Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch
some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No..........I'm a rabbit in Arizona
 

[Easy]

A message from one president to his successor
 
After a  President has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last President to send
a  note of congratulations to the new one.
So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said  was:   370H-SSV-0773H
 
This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was  perceived to have been scholarly challenged.
So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message.

They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable
to determine the meaning of the note.
 
Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
 
Now there was complete panic in the oval office.
 
They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not
one was able to come up with an answer.
 
A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.
 
All  branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.
 
Bush chuckled and replied: 'Dude ............ You're holding it upside down!'

[Easy]

lol..

[Easy]

[Easy]

[Bratty~]

At least you know who is boss ER *W*

[~Meg~]

*laughing*

[Easy]

[Bratty~]

“Mean Mom”

Someday when my children are old enough to
understand the logic that motivates a parent,
I will tell them, as my Mean Mom told me:
I loved you enough to ask where you were going,
with whom, and what time you would be home.

I loved you enough to be silent and let you
discover that your new best friend was a creep.

I loved you enough to stand over you for
two hours while you cleaned your room,
a job that should have taken 15 minutes.

I loved you enough to let you see anger,
disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children
must learn that their parents aren't perfect..

I loved you enough to let you assume the
responsibility for your actions even when the
penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart..

But most of all, I loved you enough to say
NO when I knew you would hate me for it.

Those were the most difficult battles of all..
I'm glad I won them, because in the end you won, too.
And someday when your children are old enough to
understand the logic that motivates parents, you will tell them.

Was your Mom mean?

I know mine was.
We had the meanest mother in the whole world!
While other kids ate candy for breakfast,
we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.

When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch,
we had to eat sandwiches.

And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was
different from what other kids had, too.

Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times.
You'd think we were convicts in a prison.

She had to know who our friends were
and what we were doing with them.
She insisted that if we said we
would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.

We were ashamed to admit it,
but she had the nerve to break
the Child Labor Laws by making us work.

We had to wash the dishes, make the beds,
learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry,
empty the trash and all sorts of cruel
jobs.
I think she would lie awake at night
thinking of more things for us to do.

She always insisted on us telling the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
By the time we were teenagers,
she could read our minds
and had eyes in the back of her head.
Then, life was really tough!

Mother wouldn't let our friends just honk
the horn when they drove up
They had to come up to the door
so she could meet them.

While everyone else could date
when they were 12 or 13,
we had to wait until we were 16.

Because of our mother we missed out
on lots of things other kids experienced.

None of us have ever
been caught shoplifting, vandalizing other's
property or ever arrested for any crime.
It was all her fault.

Now that we have left home, we are all educated, honest adults.
We are doing our best to be mean parents just like Mom was.

I think that is what's wrong with the world today.
It just doesn't have enough mean moms!