This Tickled me ...

[Easy]

One night , after the couple had retired for the 
 night, the woman became aware that her husband was
  touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by
running his hand across her shoulders and the small of
 her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching
 them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand
 gently down her side, sliding his hand over her
 stomach, and then down the other side to a point below
 her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips,
 first one side and the other. His hand ran further
 down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing
 then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped
 and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.
 By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she
 squirmed a little to better position herself. The
 man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of
 the bed. " Why are you stopping darling?" she
 whispered.He whispered back, " I found the remote!"

[~Meg~]

A blonde was driving down the motorway when her car phone rang. It was her husband, urgently warning her, "Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car!" said the blonde.
"There's  hundreds of them!"

[Easy]

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity


A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy.

. You just hoped nobody ever found out!

[Eiluna]

A guy sticks his head into a barber's shop and asked: "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said: "About 2 hours."
The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked: "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said: "About 3 hours."
The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked: "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said: "About an hour and half."
The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said: "Hey Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then, he doesn't ever come back.

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, " So, where does that guy go when he leaves?"
.
.
.
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said: "Your house."

[Easy]

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative!

[Easy]

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

[~Meg~]

Q: Why can't a blonde get a drivers license

A: Because every time the instructor says "Let's park" she jumps in the back seat. 

[Kellie]

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license.  It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"



"Because you got an F in sex."
 

[Shirley]

lmao ..Kelly that is a cute one

[Pollypocket]

*LOL*.....love it!

[Kellie]

MORNING SEX

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,

'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,

'Thanks,'
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,

'What was that all about?'
She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.' 

[Kellie]

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a  pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?"

He asks her "Shall we?"

She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head."

AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
 

[Kellie]

Using Big People Words
 
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
 
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
 
"I went to visit my Nana."
 
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
 
"I took a ride on a choo choo."
 
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words."

She then asked little Alec what he had done.
 
"I read a book," he replied.
 
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

[I love this]
 
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

[Kellie]

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!


Why WALMART???


WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

[Pollypocket]

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung
Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full
moon, when Huan Cho said, "Hey baby, lets play Wee wee chu!"

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon," said Jung Lee.

"Oh c'mon baby, lets you and I play Wee wee chu. I love you and
it's the perfect time", Huan Cho begged.


"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once play Wee wee chu with me?"

June Lee looked at Huan Cho and said, "Ok we'll play Wee wee
chu."
 
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang:

"Wee wee chu a Merry Christmas,
wee wee chu a Merry Christmas
wee wee chu a Merry Christmas
and a happy new year."