This Tickled me ...

[Kellie]

A man and his wife wre having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it because that is your job and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it and besides it is in the Bible that the man a should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that.  Show me."

So, she fetched the Bible, opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......................

                           "HEBREWS"   

[Easy]

In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.
It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
The Ohio driver's education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car.
Participating or conducting a duel is prohibited.
Breast feeding is not allowed in public.
It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house.
It is illegal to mistreat anything of great importance.

[Easy]

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
 
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
 
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- just the stone cold truth of friendship.
 
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way. 
 
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
 
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
 
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
 
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
 
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words. 
 
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.
 
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
 
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask ?, 'Because you are my friend'.
 
Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
 
And remember....when life hands you Lemons, get some tequila and salt and call me!

[Kellie]

Someone out there either has too much Spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay Too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).
 

[Kellie]

 One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps
we should start washing your clothes in SlimFast. Maybe it would take a few
inches off of your butt!!"His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply
couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded.
The next morning the husband took a
pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this??' he said to
himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he
hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder In my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker "It's not talcum powder . . . It's 'Miracle Grow."

[Easy]

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 157 years ago?
 
California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

[Easy]

http://by131w.bay131.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?

[Shirley]

 

 

 

 

 

 



An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Offi cer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.





Don't Mess With Old Ladies








 





 

 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 




 

 

 

 


 
   
 








 
   
 




 
   
 




 
 

[Kellie]

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat
out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book

The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.  He pulls up alongside the
woman and says,  'Good morning, Ma'am.  What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking isn't that obvious?).

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing.  I'm reading'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.  For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' the woman says.

'But, I haven't even touched you!' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.  For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day, ma'am' said the Game Warden, and he left.

 
MORAL:  Never argue with a woman who reads.  It's likely she can also think.

[Easy]

THE MUSTARD STORY
 I Love Mustard. (This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father.)
 As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, Gourmet Mustard.
 The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
 'Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,' she said.
 I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
 I love mustard.
 I had no napkin.
 I licked it off.
 It was not mustard.
 No man ever put a baby down faster.
It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out.
 With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
 Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy mustard 'Poupon.''

[Easy]

bject: Living will

           Last night  my   sister   and   I   were   sitting   in   the
den   and   I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive.  That
would be no quality of life at all,  If that ever happens, just pull the
plug.'So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.





          She's such a bitch.

[-A Mut Misfit-]

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom,

but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

"Sir," she said "You may use the ladies' room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

 
Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist. He pushed WW.

Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

"What a nice feeling," he thought. "Mens' restrooms don't have nice things like this."

 

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.

Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

 

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button.

A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.

 

The ladies' restroom was more than a restroom; it is a tender, loving pleasure treat.

 

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

 

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes.

 

He was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed.

 

'The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

 

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

 

MEN NEVER LISTEN!

[Easy]

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients. When she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.
 
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
 
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
 
Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.
 
One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic

[Eiluna]

One morning, a husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am.  What are you doing?

"Reading a book," she replies, thinking, "Isn't that obvious?"

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. 

[~Meg~]

Dear mum,

I am writing you this note to say that I haven't been honest to you lately.

I have a boyfriend, his name is Dragon and he lives in a trailer in the woods he wears biker clothes and deals Ecstasy.

I am moving in with him and I am four months pregnant.

His friends will come over all the time so I can get a little frisky with them.

We will make a living out of growing drugs and selling them to Dragons friends as are both already drug addicts, we will live a life of drugs beer and all the sex.

Wish us luck
Katie

P.S.
I am at the neighbors house, all of the above was a lie I just wanted to let you know there are worse things in life than my report card which is in the top drawer.

Xx