This Tickled me ...

[Kellie]

these are all so true, but kinda funny if you're not from the south...

Things I have learned by living in North Carolina 


Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in North Carolina .

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in North Carolina plus a couple no one has seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

Backards and forwards means, "I know everything about you ."

DJeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You measure distance in minutes.

You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

"Fix" is a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store."  And "Fixinto" is one word.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You know what a "DAWG" is.

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for court news and sports.

The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm." We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop. . . it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda coke you want?"

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

If you understand these jokes please forward them to your friends from North Carolina  (and those who just wish they were).

EVERYONE can't be a North Carolinian; it takes talent. You might say it's an art form or a gift from God!

[Kellie]

$280,000 Mortgage


For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike. 

[Kellie]

Not funny, dead serious

THE JOB - URINE TEST
 

 
I HAVE TO PASS A URINE TEST FOR MY JOB... SO I AGREE 100%
 
Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test with which I have no problem.
 
What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their couch, doing drugs, while I work.
 
Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check? Something has to change in this country -- and soon.

[Kellie]

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait !!!!





An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'


(Oh this is GOOD!!)?


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,


'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch .'

[Kellie]

Should children witness childbirth?

 

   Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

   Mommy pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

   Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!'

[Easy]

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital .

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

[Kellie]

A racing twist to Easy's post....

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health and Racing Hotline. We're here to help you...

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are a Darrell Waltrip fan, please press B for boogity and go the end of the longest line at K-mart.

If you are co-dependent, please have someone press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you're a Mark martin fan, press 8 and say awesome at least a half-dozen times.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the mother ship.

If you are a Jeff Gordon fan, it's ok, we understand.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it don't matter which number you press cuz no one will answer.

If you're a Dale Jarrett fan, it's ok, you can finally smile.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you are a Dale Earnhardt fan, dial 911, tell them you just knocked somebody off the road by accident and you won't get a ticket.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you, unless you want to buy a grandstand seat on the front row.

If you are a true die-hard race fan, please hang up the phone, get in your car, go to the nearest speedway and empty your wallet at the front gate.

[Kellie]

Aging With Humor


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied . "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, isn't it?"
_________________________________
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
_______________________________
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs
__________ _ _______________________________________________
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
________________________________
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent , twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
_______________________________
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week."
____________________________________________________________
My memory's not a s sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
________________________________   
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
_______________________________
It's scary when you start making the same no ises as your coffee maker.
______________________________
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
______________________________
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
________________________________
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. 

[Kellie]

Tax Time

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions.  "He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year"

"Chicken Farmer it is."

[~Meg~]

1. Men are like ..Laxatives...They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like ...Bananas...The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather.. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .Commercials... You can't believe all they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ...Government Bonds... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like .Snowstorms... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ...Lava Lamps... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ..Park ing Spots... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[Kellie]

*L* good one Meg


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.  She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability, too."

[~Meg~]

*laughing*

That one was a good one also Kellie...*whispers*. I think they were talkin about ER...LOL

[Kellie]

*L* do ya think?...it probably could be for a lot of guys

[~Meg~]

Yeah..I do think  LOL But, You know I'm dead when and If he reads that ..don't you???...LOL

[Kellie]

whoops...looks like he found it *L*