This Tickled me ...

[PeterFitzwell]

[Brick in the Wall]

Got this in the e-mail ( yes even I get ocasional e-mail, well spam and forwards)

 BUTT DUST
 What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover the joy in
 it!  These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!>

 *JACK *(age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
 After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
 one for cold milk?'

*MELANIE* (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
 was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't
 remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to
 six.'

 *STEVEN* (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so
 much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

 *BRITTANY** *(age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried
 in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
 explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
 Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's
 me?'

*SUSAN* (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please
 don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

*DJ *(age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I
 cost?'

 *MARC *(age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
 kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his
 dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

 *CLINTON* (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked
 what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with
 this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'

 *JAMES* (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man
 named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
 wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What
 happened to the flea?'

 *TAMMY* (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
 wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
 asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

 *The Sermon* I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular
 Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended
 toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you,
 we are but dust...'

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite  audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice:

'Mom, what is butt dust?'

[Gina]

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:




You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!< SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: green; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma">




So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:




Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs




She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:




Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.



'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'




So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:



Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.




'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.




She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.




'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'



Still, she goes to the f ifth floor and the sign reads:




Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.




She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:




Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.



The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.




The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. < BR> 
             
 

[PeterFitzwell]

[Gina]

This will make you laugh.

Ya have to watch the whole thing to enjoy it.  There is two parts to it, watch it all, its amazing to say the least


Subject: Japanese Illusionist


> This guy is good, if we could only understand Japanese.
>
> http://images2.jokaroo.net/videos/grandpajapan.wmv
>
>

[PeterFitzwell]

[PeterFitzwell]

Jeff Foxworthy on Ohio: All I have to say is "Go Bucks!" You might be from Ohio (pronounced O-hi-uh), if: You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange! You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction. You live less than 30 miles from some college or university. You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candied ones. "Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means"south." You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths. You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine,Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati. "Vacation! " means spending a day at Cedar Point in the summer and deer hunting in the fall. You measure distance in minutes Your school classes were canceled because of cold. Your school classes were canceled because of heat. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. For example: "Where's my coat at?" You install security lights on your house and garage and leaveboth unlocked You think of the major four food grou ps as corn, pork, beer,and Jell-O salad with marshmallows. You carry jumper cables in your car. You know what 'pop' is. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. (Amen!) You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires six pages for sports. If you actually get these jokes -- then forward 'em to your OHIO friends!

[-A Mut Misfit-]

lol, guilty as charged

[PeterFitzwell]

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, Dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

[Gina]

There was a businessman and he was not feeling well, so he went to see the doctor about it.  The doctor says to him, "Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?"
   The man replies, "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods."
   The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well, man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them up!!"
   The guy says, "But how long for, I mean I really like peas!"
   The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid."
   The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again.
   One night years later, he's at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says, "Well, ashully, I'd love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave it up."
   Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up!"
   The businessman says, "Thas nuvving, I haven't had a pea in 6 years."
   The barman jumps up screaming, "Okay, everyone who can't swim, grab a table..."

[~Meg~]

 

A Hillbilly went hunting one day in Georgia and bagged  three ducks.  He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was  about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who  didn't like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered the hillbilly to  show his hunting license; the hillbilly pulled out a valid Georgia hunting  license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over  and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This duck  ain't from Georgia. This is a Tennessee duck.  You got a Tennessee huntin' license, boy?'

The hillbilly  reached in to his walle t and produced a Tennessee hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and  grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt,and said 'This ain't no Tennessee duck.  This  duck's From Miss issippi.   You got a Mississippi  license?'

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi  hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the  third duck, sniffed its butt, and said,

 
'This ain't no Mississippi duck.  This here duck's from  South Carolina .. You got a South Carolina  huntin' license?'

Again the hillbilly reached  into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this  point, and he yelled at the hill bi lly, 'Boy, just where the hell are you   ;from?'

The hillbilly turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said, 'You tell me.  You're the  expert.'

[PeterFitzwell]

Guts vs. Balls
« Thread Started on Jul 7, 2008, 6:45pm »   

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guts vs. Balls

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or
balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep
you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or
are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and
having the balls to say: 'You're next, fatty.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking,
there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

[~Meg~]

*laughing*...That's a good one....

[~Meg~]

 A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
 mothers and their small children.
 'You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he
 said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter
 Candy.' He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with
 money.
 Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.' He turned to
 the third mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself
 in your child's name, Brandy.' At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy,
 quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on,
 Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.

[PeterFitzwell]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pG-XTwqvO9M