I need help, advice, opinions

[Savi]

As many of you know, I have a 10 yo son who suffers along with a few other things from severe add (attention deficit disorder with hyperacivity), he is very hard and stressful to handle and part of our huge problems the last years was, that with my depressions I wasnt able to give him the stability and structure he needs.

At the moment I have ups and downs, it isnt as bad as it was in Feb. but I do not feel well and I take way to many pills. Now we did find a great school for my son. it is a boarding school / residental school where the classes are just 14 kids, where they live in little houses with 8 kids and  sorta parents during the week and the weeends and the holidays they spend at home with their families.

well as a kid i was in a very bad kids shelter it was the early 70ties and they beat kids senseless back then, so me, and they used to lock me in small dark rooms for hours and sometimes days.

In the boarding school / residental school things seem to be different and hey it is more than 30 years ago when this bad stuff happened to me.

the problem is, i feel like a bad mom for bringing him to that school far from home, but on the other hand I KNOW it is good for him and better than at home with a mom who is sick and sometimes unable to look after him. now he heard the first 4 weeks he may not go home so he is pissed as all hell and claims I destroy his life by sending him there.
I can understand him, he feels sent away and he doesnt understand why even if we try to explain to him,  and I'm in tears every night, but I know I would regrett it if I do not send him there, we had to fight hard to even get a spot there for him...

 

[Fishy!]

I KNOW it is good for him and better than at home with a mom who is sick and sometimes unable to look after him.

Sis, you have just answered your own question.

My Grand mother raised me for a good portion of my life. and she did many things that I hated her for, but I only hated her for breif periods of time. I still think of her with love, becauase she did what was right for me, without a care if I like it or not.

you are a parent. you must do whatever it takes to turn your children into productive members of this society. and this place might be just what he needs.

most likely after a week or two he will not wanting to be going home as it is so fun and enjoyable there. children are fickle creatures. remember this.

I wish you the best of luck and all the strength you need to get him the help he needs.

Liz

[NightStorm]

Sis,

I raised a son with ADHD.  It's not easy when you ARE emotionally okay.  With what you have been dealing with, it must be really really difficult.

If I could have found a special school for my son, I probably would have enrolled him there.  It doesn't have anything to do with not being a good mom.  It has everything to do with doing what is best for your child.

All kids say they hate their parents from time to time...and in almost every instant, it has to do with the kid not getting his way about something.  It also passes in time, and chances are, once he gets settled in and makes new friends, he'll be having so much fun the time will pass way too quickly for him.  Let's face it, kids are really really good at laying guilt trips on their parents.  The worst thing you could do at this point is to give in to him.  That would further emotionally cripple you...AND teach your son that mom can be manipulated (NOT a good thing for the coming teenage years).

You're in my prayers, Sis.  And I'm still waiting for my concert!!!!.*G*

NS

[dilshad{property of Tira}]

You have taken the first and the hardest steps. admitting to Yourself that
You can not give him what You want to give him, and needs and deserves.

Also You have put him in a place that will be good for him.. even tho that
must be hard on You for many many reason.. You may feel no joy in what
You have done ( Who could ?) .. but take quiet pride in doing the right thing
for the right reasons.. even tho it is the hardest path.

If kids knew what was best for them.. and accepted that with calm grace
well.. fewer grey hairs would be sprouting...

as Others have noted.. his feeling will pass.. it takes time to grow up
see things as they really are.. and in time.. he will see that You do what
You do. for he best of reasons.. Love


one wishes You him Him well Mistress

[Nexhias]

Savi...

What you are faced with is what I have no doubt is one of your most difficult decisions as a parent, as a human being.  Admitting that you cannot give your child what they need, be there in the way they need you to be, is heart breaking.  But, even though this seems a dark hour... you must look for the positive here.

Knowing what you cannot be for your child has obviously enabled you to find what he DOES need, what he should have to help him cope and function in this life.  Though you may not be able to function as his mother to the fullest extent of your ability right now.. you still have his needs well in mind, and are doing something about them. 

I cannot imagine the aching it causes you to have to do this for your son-- but I see this as an incredible act of love.  When you are willing to put your son's needs ahead of your own, to sacrifice your time with him so he could be in an environment where people are more capable of caring for him and guiding him.. that is love personified. 

Your son may not understand now why this has to be.  But you do-- and that is what is important.  Never lose sight of the fact that what you are doing is for him.  And do it keeping in mind that it is a decision born of love, self-lessness, and with a sincere desire for him to become the best possible young man he can be. 

You have my support and prayers.

Nex

[RAGNAR]

I do not think there can be any greater love from a Mother to a child than to do what is best for the child at the expense of the Mother's heart.

You have done this sis... and it seems to be the right choice.

*Huggers* KISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

[Alex]

As  a child I had ADD and i went round and round with my mother, i will admitt i was a horrible child, but my mom always had a saying for me..  and here ill say it as advice to you.." one day your realzie that mom and dad are a hell of lot smarter than you think"



everyday passes they become smarter to me.. i wish i had listened more but im a mommas boy through and through so there is light at  the end of the tunnel...

[Raziel]

You say he is angry and said that you detroyed his life, but why?  Have you asked yourself that?  Because he may not be able to come home on the weekends from school for about 4 weeks?  So he is mad that he cannot come home.

When you look at it like that, that's not anger towards you but because he cannot see you.  A mother's love is a mother's love.  No matter how the child feels, he still misses and loves his mother, even when he reacts without thinking.  You just got to look past everything else.

Your love is his life blood, without your love, he wouldnt be here.  He will get that, and even now he just shows it in an odd way.  Have faith, it will be all ok.

Raz

[Savi]

Thank you all for your words. It means so much to me ...
I know it is the right decision but it's truly hard for me.



Have I told you Guys lately how much you mean to me?

 

[Sidona]

Hey Sis,

Just thought I'd share a little of my experience with my son with You.

When my oldest child was hitting puberty he decided that he needed to rebel in a big way. This included attitude, drinking and drugs. He's as hard headed as they come. The only way this one learns anything is to run into a brick wall and then get up and run into the same wall again.

After trying everything we knew how to do, we sent him to live with his biological father. that lasted until I ended up in court telling a judge that I would once again take custody of my 14 year old son instead of letting him go to jail because of the bomb threat he called into the high school.

Eventually - we ran into that brick wall ourselves. We searched for a solution. Finally we found a boys home that agreed to take him. After searching our souls we did indeed send him to live in this environment. It was a very strict place, centered around going to church and participating in church activities.

Talk about mad. Talk about telling us that we had betrayed him. Talk about a teen aged boy telling his mom and step father every thing in the world to make us feel guilty and relent to let him return home. But we did not do it. He stayed. This included that first six weeks without contact from us. No calls, no visits, nothing.

The change in him when we were finally able to go see him was - astounding.

so in the long run - it was worth the pain and the second guessing and all the hell we went through when we decided to do this for our son.  Because we didn't do it "to" him, we did it for him.

My son is 32 now. He has 4 children of his own. He is what I think of as a strong, capable man. He stands on his own two feet and depends on himself for what he needs. While the situation is not quite the same as Yours, it is comparable.

Keep in mind that in the long run, it will have been worth it to do this for Your son. ~hugs~ All my best to You and Your family.

[Savi]

Thank you all. Your words helped me alot and I feel better.
I am so happy to have my online Family always right here for me.
You Guys rock.


 

[Shylina Marie]

Savi,

  I know these words of all these others to be truth.  I did not have ADD,, nor ADHD.. or anything else going on.. I was just a kid stressed out.... a Sick parent, a work aholic perfectionist for the other parent.  a Brother that was the golden child and there was little left for me.. if it had not been for the wisdom of my grandparents in seeing the need I had... I would not have the strength to keep up and keep fighting now.  at the age of 13. I was so far out of control seeking whatever attention I could get...I stepped toe to toe with my father... and after he split a board over my ass... my grandfather got in the middle.... and put me in my place..... I spent the next two years in a boarding school/ Military academy.  The difference it made in me helped me make better decisions than probably what I would have.

As a parent you have to step up and do the right thing and sometimes that does tear the hell out of your heart... but you still know that even in that same pain...its worth it....

your in my prayers...

Shylina

[Savi]

i feel so bad, the day comes closer and closer and it is hard to breathe. i cnt bear the thought of losing my bbaby. i cry all day- and all night.
walls come closer and everything around me is dark.
what is smile
what is happyness

why cant i be dead. why die lovely people  everyday and they so want to live.

i dont want to live.

[Raziel]

Savi,

You need to stop.

You need to open your eyes.

You need to look around you.

You need to breathe.

Just breathe.

There is more to this world than fear or pain or depression.

Everything has an opposite, including those things that begin to gnaw on us and get us down.  You have a family in rt and vt.  We all love you and care for you.  To suggest that you dont want to continue, would be an easy way out, but that is not you.  You are not easy.  You are a fighter and you are just a little bit down, that's all.  But you have an advantage my dear.  You have us to be there for you.  You have friends, you have family, you have hope and you have your child.  You set a mark and an example for him.  You are an inspiration for him and an example. 

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and remember that people care for you.

You are loved.

Raz

[Shylina Marie]

Savi,

   WAKE UP..... there is no reason to run and hide... No One said this kind of love is easy..  But you Have to keep going... keep breathing.. Keep sustaining yourself.  There is so much more to this world.. You son is going to benefit despite all the hate filled words right now of the decision you made.  You are gonna benefit.  The one thing you can't do is let Negative thoughts or ideas come into your head.  Once Negative shows it wants to breed and expand but you have the power to stop this... You also have a family greater than you know standing right here with you to be a support no matter what hour day or night one of us is surely to be found somewhere someway.  Your not alone.  This is gonna help your son by the controlled skilled 24/7 enviroment.  The structure will give no only him but you the building  blocks you need to form a better, safer, healthier enviroment for both of you.  You can't dwell on the decision.. but focas your eyes upon the results that you are gonna strive to hit.  You set a mark for you both... he will make it because you are backing him 100%.  Rely on your strength... Your love... Your devotion to this child by doing the right things.. and though sometimes what we have to do is rough in the beginning.. the reward at the end is a thousand times over better.

I'm on MSN if you need me.. I've just got a full plate right now myself... but if' I am awake. that msn is up.

Shylina